Weekly Forecast with the Nihilistic Astrologer

I Was Going to Print All the Horoscopes But Then I Thought, What’s the Point?

Thanks to Saturn trekking through Capricorn until December, everyone around you will finally get a break from your constant whining and crying. Well, that’s what the stars have in line, but let’s not get our hopes up because we all know Cancers thrive on being everybody’s doormat. As a crab, one would think you would put that exoskeleton and giant pincer to good use and conquer whatever obstacles present themselves, but you’d rather throw yourself in the hot pot of boiling water at a low-country boil than inconvenience others in the slightest.

If you’re going to sacrifice yourself so willingly, don’t complain about your questionable choices later. Also remember that astrology is as meaningless as your existence, so don’t take this forecast as a personal attack like you do with everything else in your life.