Category Archives: Weekly Horoscope

Weekly Forecast with the Nihilistic Astrologer

I Was Going to Print All the Horoscopes But Then I Thought, What’s the Point?

Not only is it Libra season, but on top of that, the annual new moon in your sign arrived on October 8! This is a one time a year occurrence, and it is perhaps your only chance to start fresh. It’s time to cultivate the soil and plant seeds you would like to witness coming to fruition in the next six months.

Don’t worry, I don’t mean getting your dainty little hands dirty (although actually getting some work done for once would do you some good, instead of always manipulating others into doing the dirty work for you).

The stars told me to tell you to stop being as lazy as a billionaire’s last-born daughter. Libras are the people who use all of the toilet paper and relish in the idea of inconveniencing the next person. That’s probably bad karma- lucky for you, karma doesn’t exist.

Weekly Forecast with the Nihilistic Astrologer

I Was Going to Print All the Horoscopes But Then I Thought, What’s the Point?

 

Starting Oct 5, Venus kicks into retrograde and will throw your compassionate tendencies and communication skills out the window.

Oh, wait! Actually, you’re a Virgo, so that means you weren’t born with any communication skills or compassionate tendencies to begin with. You could acquire decent social skills if only you would quit getting caught up on each of your minor shortcomings like mistakenly telling that customer to “have a good day” when they left the restaurant at 10 pm.

However, your existence is “painful,” and that is primarily because even you find yourself dreadfully painful to be around. When you finally die and reach the afterlife, do you really want to continuously replay some awkward moment in your head for eternity. You know, like the awkward moment that is your entire life. Well then, it’s time for change.

I’m just kidding (lol). The afterlife doesn’t exist. The most eventful thing that will happen to you after your death are the maggots eating and defecating inside your rotting corpse. Actually! Maybe, if you’re lucky, those maggots could be pretty, iridescent scarabs, instead…

 

Weekly Forecast with the Nihilistic Astrologer

I Was Going to Print All the Horoscopes But Then I Thought, What’s the Point?

 

Alright, this week Jupiter is in Leo and is forming a rare angle (whatever nonsense that means) with Uranus in Aries. That rare angle is here to remind you that you are not the center of the solar system, despite what your mom and all those astrology books you read led you to believe. You’re as special as that jar of Hellman’s that has been sitting in your fridge, unopened, since your dad last visited six months ago.

Did reading this sentence suddenly make you feel 20 pounds lighter? That’s you finally shedding your giant ego. Isn’t it wonderful to realize how insignificant you actually are? As Morty from “Rick and Morty” said, “Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody’s gonna die. Come watch TV. ”

Weekly Forecast with the Nihilistic Astrologer

I Was Going to Print All the Horoscopes But Then I Thought, What’s the Point?

Thanks to Saturn trekking through Capricorn until December, everyone around you will finally get a break from your constant whining and crying. Well, that’s what the stars have in line, but let’s not get our hopes up because we all know Cancers thrive on being everybody’s doormat. As a crab, one would think you would put that exoskeleton and giant pincer to good use and conquer whatever obstacles present themselves, but you’d rather throw yourself in the hot pot of boiling water at a low-country boil than inconvenience others in the slightest.

If you’re going to sacrifice yourself so willingly, don’t complain about your questionable choices later. Also remember that astrology is as meaningless as your existence, so don’t take this forecast as a personal attack like you do with everything else in your life.  

Weekly Forecast with the Nihilistic Astrologer

I Was Going to Print All the Horoscopes But Then I Thought, What’s the Point?

Starting today, Saturn switches direction from retrograde into the direct status and puts a forward motion in Capricorn. What the H*** does that mean, you ask? Well, I’ll tell ya, you better brace yourself and strap on that seatbelt because it’s gonna be a rough ride!

Or don’t, because you know what’s more meaningless than life and death? Astrology.  

Anyway, supposedly it means that all your dirty secrets will be uncovered this week. You’ll luck out if you have been playing a clean game, but we all know Geminis are constantly weaseling their way through life. By secrets being uncovered, I don’t mean that booger graveyard that exits under your driver’s seat or you cheating on your last biology test. I mean that lie you’ve been building your entire existence around in order to trick everyone into thinking you’re a decent human being.